Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
