Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
