I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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