sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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