Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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