in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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