and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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