also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
