Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
