WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
