Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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