I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
