So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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