Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
