i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
