my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
