Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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