i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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