Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
