You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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