Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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