Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
