God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
