last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
