No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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