she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
