He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
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If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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