it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
