I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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