so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
