She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
