how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
