He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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