Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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