I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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