I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
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oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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