Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
