The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
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I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
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The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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