ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
