Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
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There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
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So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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