Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
