I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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