you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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