Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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