Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
