She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
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She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
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I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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