you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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