I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize