If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
