I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
