apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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