I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
