I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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