DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
