oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
