Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
