Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
