put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
