Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
